A Vote of Confidence
By Irene Justice
Prompt: "It's
not you, it's me."
“It’s nothing personal,” he mumbled. “It’s not you, it’s me” he threw in there,
and then turned to laugh with his buddies.
Why did I have to like him so much?
Why did I have to listen to Laura and drink the liquid courage to go up
to Miguel and ask him out? His dark
cornrows were absolutely perfectly braided back and his smile was as pearly
white as ever, that’s why. I had been in
love with him since he first came to our high school last year, late in the
senior year, another reason why. He and
I both went to our local university and signed up for the same Civics class,
yet another reason why. Why did he have
to be my crush and why did I have to ruin my freshman year in college by asking
him out, when I obviously was not his type?
“Hey, Jane?” he asked, after I had turned away in humiliation. “This doesn’t affect our friendship though,
right? You’re still going to help me
with my Civics paper, right?”
“Oh of course and forget I said
anything.” The sad part was I really did want to stay friends with him. Even after I turned back to keep walking, and
I could hear Miguel and his buddies continuing to laugh. I knew I was better than this. I knew I deserved better than this. I kept walking to the back of the restaurant
towards the table that Laura and I had been sitting at, where she was still
waiting. Thank God it was out of Miguel’s
sight. Nonetheless, as soon as I sat down and slid into the booth, I dropped my
head into my arms; my dry, naturally ugly and wavy, chestnut hair fell around
my face.
“Oh Jane, I’m sorry. How bad was it?” she whispered.
I lifted my head up with a crease in
my eyebrows and my eyes filled with water.
My bottom lip slowly quivered just enough to let Laura know that if I
talked about it, the waterworks would surely come.
“Jane don’t worry about that
loser! You deserve so much better than
him. Sure, he’s tall, dark, and damn
fine…” she started.
“Laura!” I interrupted. “Not helping here.” I finished in a whispered,
drained voice.
“I’m the worst friend ever. Jane don’t worry about him, you totally
missed out on a bad egg if you ask me.
If this is how he treats someone who has helped him with multiple
papers, study for quizzes, and even asks her to give up her best friend as a
project buddy to partner with him, then I don’t even want to know what kind of
boyfriend he would’ve been to you.” She spewed.
“Yeah” I said breathlessly. “You’re right, I know you are. It’s just, it’s just that the first time I
have ever been brave enough to ask a guy out, ever, not only does he say no, he
basically laughed in my face.” I stated. “I don’t think I can ever do that
again, Laura. That seriously killed me, and I have to still see him Friday at
his house for his paper.” I added.
“Wait, what? You’re still going to
help him? Are you nuts? Jane! You cannot let that man laugh at you in front of
his friends, and then still be ridiculous enough to go and help with, I mean
basically do, his paper for
him!” She yelled. I was pretty sure the
whole restaurant had heard this part of our conversation. I held my breath, eyes wide in disbelief and
got up to peer around the corner wall.
Thank goodness Miguel and his friends had left. I didn’t think this situation could have
gotten any worse.
~
Of
course that was before Friday night came and it was nearing 7:00 p.m. and I had
to head over to Miguel’s house. I pulled
up in front of his house and turned off the ignition. It was a humid night in July, one of the
worst this month and I decided to wear a dress to cool down, which I normally
didn’t do. I wore a rather fitting black dress but kept my gray and white Converse
on to dial it back down. I was by no
means in the mood to feel sexy and my messy bun and glasses told anyone that. I knocked on the large red door and could see
through the side windows that someone was coming. I stood up and straightened
my head so it didn’t look like I was snooping.
“Ah Jane. How are you tonight,
little lady?” Miguel’s dad inquired. He
was handsome for an older man, his gray hair only showing on the side of dark
hair and only a little.
“I’m well Mr. Daniels, thank you.” I
said smiling as I slid my glasses up the bridge of my nose.
He did his best Denzel voice when he invited me in,
“Good, good. Now you have a seat right
here and I’ll go get that dumbfounded boy of mine.” He smiled a half quirky smile, trying to
imitate Denzel even further.
“Thank you, Mr. Daniels. Your
impressions get better and better every time.”
I said sweetly, hopefully believable.
Mr. Daniels was the best, always trying to make me smile. He left me in the living room, where there
were pictures of Miguel everywhere; Miguel with his football team, Miguel with
his football trophies, Miguel catching a hike during a football game. I’ve seen these pictures one too many times
and could tell anyone exactly what color shirts Miguel was wearing in each of
them, and what his number was on his football jersey. It was 13, by the way; Miguel
always liked 13 because most people were scared of it. Finally, after a few minutes of sitting
awkwardly on the corner cushion of the black leather couch, Miguel came up from
the basement.
“Oh, hey… Jane. Man, I feel like an ass right now, because I completely
forgot that we were supposed to get together tonight for that paper. I should’ve texted you, but I got so um,
swept away… in the book I was reading.” He stuttered a bit, glancing down at
the carpet and not maintaining eye contact.
“Oh no worries, what book?” I asked
earnestly. He had never mentioned
reading a book before. I immediately
imagined him reading Jane Eyre or Jane Austen, fulfilling the fantasy of
reading the classics together, sitting by a fireplace with a soft flannel
blanket draped across the both of us but then I came back from my day dream as
I realized this was Miguel I was talking to and he was most definitely lying.
“Oh um, well, I guess it was more
like an article not an actual book.” he continued. “You’d be surprised what kinds of intelligent
things are on Facebook.” he said surely, confident in his ability to read a
full article on Facebook. “It was about
how this one school didn’t have a football team and this kid, I can’t remember
his name, started a petition and got the whole town to sign it, in order to get
a football team for the school and he raised the money they needed for all of
the equipment and stuff.” Of course
there were some articles on Facebook or any social media platform that held
real merit or factual evidence but this, coming from Miguel, I suppose was an
important issue, at least it was to him.
“Yeah of course, there’s a lot on
there, on Facebook I mean.” I replied,
hoping I didn’t sound arrogant. I really
was impressed that he read anything at all.
During our study lessons, he refused to read anything at all, always had
an excuse. He stood there on the other
side of the room with his hands in the pockets of his black shorts, his white
t-shirt highlighting his upper chest and triceps and then I noticed him pursing
his lips and glancing around the room and then back at me as if he were waiting
for something else. Duh! He wanted me to
leave now, of course he did. “Oh, I’m
sorry.” I got up, the skin from my
thighs peeling off of the furniture, making an embarrassing sound, my eye went
wide and I hoped he wouldn’t make this situation any worse than it already was
for me. “Ok, should we reschedule then?”
I asked, not wanting to reschedule at all.
He started but was cut short when we both heard the crash. He didn’t move. He stared right at me, squinting, trying to
figure out whether I heard the sound as well.
Then I heard laughter from the basement, too - He definitely had friends
over. Reading an article, right.
“So, I was thinking maybe you could do
like a rough draft of the paper for me, like before, and then I can really get
a good idea on how to write this paper on equality? I really want to do justice to this
assignment, ya know?” he slyly asked, nodding his head in a yes motion, which
somehow hypnotized me into nodding yes, too. “You really are so smart and I
know with your help I’ll really nail this assignment. Again, I’m sorry about tonight though. Maybe we can get together Monday after school
to go over the draft. Alright, I’ll see
you Monday? Thanks Jane, you’re the
best.” He said, rushing his explanation
so he could turn on his heels and run back down the basement stairs, this time
I could hear him shushing the kids but unable to stifle his own laughter as
well. I even heard a kid ask as I walked
to the front door “And she said yes? Oh
man Miguel, she’s got it bad for you!” and they all started laughing again as I
pulled the door closed behind me, stepping out into the humid, empty darkness
of this July night.
Why was I so lame? Why did I have to be such a dork and have no
spine at all? I hated myself in this
moment. I really did. My eyes burned again and I bit my lower lip
to stop myself from crying… again and headed towards my car. I put my key in the ignition and turned it,
ready to go home, but fate wasn’t having it; the car didn’t start.
“Why have you abandoned me?!” I yelled asking to no
one and nothing in particular. I got of my car and turned to face it. I kicked
it. Nothing happened other than my big toe went a little numb. I lived 10 minutes driving to Miguel’s house,
so the walk back would take about 30 maybe, and then I would still have to figure
out how to get my car out from in front of his house before Miguel or his
friends came outside. I could imagine
them now, “Damn, Miguel! You’ve got her wrapped!” “She’s a stalker!” “Miguel, get a restraining
order!” I had to get my car out of here.
I called my dad and of course got no
answer. It was a Friday night and he and
my step-mom were out doing karaoke for sure.
I called Laura to see if her dad could help too, and nothing. I glanced up at the big red door. It stood out more now from the street than
standing up close and in front of it.
The porch light lit the door with a yellow hue, which seemed to make it
more of a blood orange red, rather than a fresh strawberry. I thought of the red balloon from Stephen
King’s “It”, then. I thought of my death
if I were I to go back up to the door and ask Mr. Daniels if he could help. He
was a good man - Not only would he help me, but he would make Miguel come up
and help me, too. No, I couldn’t do
it. I couldn’t sign my own death certificate,
just starting my first year of college.
I should’ve never come here. I
should’ve never asked Miguel out.
There’s a lot of things I regret in this moment.
I pulled out my phone and did what I
thought any normal girl my age, in my situation, would do; I YouTube’d how to
start my 1999 Chevrolet Cobalt when the ignition wouldn’t start. I got back in
the car and skimmed through a few videos, starting them and then stopping when
the person would ramble too much about pointless nonsense. YouTube was great when the person got to the
point, being a free site and all. I
finally got to the part of making sure the wires were connected to the battery
the way they should be, according to Matt who was a 55 year old mechanic. I got
out and lifted the hood of my car, strands of my hair falling from the
makeshift bun I had fixed right before leaving the house. I pushed my glasses up my nose again and used
my phone as a flash light. I noticed one
of the wires loose just like Matt had indicated and tightened it with a small
toolkit my dad had put in my trunk.
“Thank you dad,” I whispered to the
night sky, my only companion in all of this torment.
“Hmm,” a man’s voice startled me,
and I jumped, hitting my head on the hood of the car. I reached up, rubbing the Everest-sized bump
beginning to form. “Jeeze, I’m sorry, I
didn’t mean to scare you.” He said and I
turned to see the voice materialize into a man.
This guy was around my age, maybe a few years older, with brown hair and
a light stubble, and smiled at me, maybe pitying me, but I couldn’t really be
sure. I had had just about enough embarrassment for one night.
His red flannel shirt, moved with
the breeze opening to show off his plain grey t-shirt underneath. He looked so laid back with his worn, tan
messenger bag strap laid diagonally across his chest, dark blue jeans and flip
flops. I met his dark brown eyes, as he
slowly stepped towards me, holding out his hand for me to shake. He smiled then, a devilishly handsome smile,
reminding me of one of the protagonists of The Wild Montana Rescue series
written by Susan May Warren that I was recommended earlier this year. I felt heat rise to my cheeks and I tried to
glance away, but felt my gaze drawn back to those metallic gray eyes and I
found it nearly impossible to look away.
“I’d offer you some help, but it kind of looks like
you know exactly what you’re doing.” He said,
stepping back. He brought his hand up to
his eyebrow, seemingly trying to think of what to say or how to say it. “Listen, do you maybe want to come out with
me tonight? I know you don’t know me, my
name’s Ben by the way,” he added with a
dorky but cute wave, “but I mean if you’d like, I’m heading to, well I’m
actually heading to a reading of an author I’ve never read before.” He stood confident and steadfast and was so
interested in me. This was unexpected
for sure. I had come here originally to
do Miguel’s paper for him, and hoped that I would get to sit next to him and
smell his sweet cologne that he always had on and instead I stood out front of
Miguel’s house, fixing my own car, and talking to a handsome stranger.
My mouth started to open and I was ready to answer
when a door opened and laughter fell out of the house behind me. I turned to see Miguel and his two buddies
from the diner earlier, come stumbling down the steps, along with a couple of
girls that I had seen at school, though I didn’t know their names. They stopped laughing once they reached the
end of the sidewalk and spotted me with the hood up on my car and me standing
with my red oil rag, crunched up in between my pale fingers. Miguel’s eyes went past me to Ben’s and he
nodded and then looked back to me.
“Jane, are you ok?” he asked, “Do you need any
help?” truly seeming concerned.
“I don’t, thanks.”
I gestured back to Ben who was now behind me and to the left a little, “Ben
actually walked up right as I finished up.”
Miguel seemed unimpressed but nodded anyway.
“Jane I was just saying to the guys, that you should
come and hang with us tonight. Right,
Mark? Ty? C’mon we can talk about stuff
at the diner over some steaks.” He
genuinely seemed to want me to come with him, but why? Why now? He blew me off only a little while ago in his
living room, making fun of my desperation with his friends before I was even able
to make it fully out of his house. Why
now did he want me to come out with him?
He glanced at Ben again whom, I couldn’t believe was still standing
there behind me.
“Jane, I should probably…” Ben started and I turned
quickly and smiled.
“Right, I’m right behind you. Let me just make sure
she’s good to go.” I saw Ben’s face
immediately light up and my heart filled with excitement and I almost couldn’t hold
the butterflies that were fluttering around in my stomach. I got in, said a quick prayer, turned the
key, and my car started. I smiled and
looked up and whispered, “Thank you”. I
got out, closed the hood and gave a thumbs-up to Ben, who smiled and winked at
me, then went to get in and start his truck.
I looked back over to Miguel, who seemed to be in shock that I just
ignored him. I smiled and shrugged my
shoulders, and started to get back into my car, until he yelled out to me.
“Jane, you don’t even know him. It’s me you asked out, remember?” he asked taken
aback by my sudden lack of self-esteem.
I thought about it for only a moment longer and then set my jaw and
raised my two hands slightly off the car door and roof, and slid into my
seat. I leaned over the passenger seat
as I slowly pulled up in front of the group.
“I’m sorry Miguel, but you implied you weren’t
interested and Ben seems to be, so...
It’s nothing personal you know.
Oh, and I’m going to go out on a limb here and say that I’ll probably be
busy Monday after school too. I guess
you’ll have to do your own assignment this time.” I watched as Miguel’s mouth opened and his
friends all stared with bewildered looks on their faces. I smiled and pulled out from the sidewalk to
make a U-turn, wheels slightly squealing as I turned and then beeped and waved
at Miguel and his friends. With my head
clear and my heart pounding, I followed Ben down the street, into a night full
of possibilities.
